The Truthful Estate Agent

Hi, yeah, sorry, I’m late
Right! So here’s the lower ground floor, the garden flat
It’s basically a basement, a concrete encasement
Dingy and dark, an underground placement
A sort of off-the-pavement arrangement
A sort of warren-like, ferret-hole Watership Down statement
You’ll definitely be making a statement. Living here.

Right, have I got the keys, the keys,
the keys is the question
The keys or not the keys, ah that is the same question
(bit of Shakespeare, there. William)

Found them, come inside!
So as you can see it’s got original features, like rats and mice and other such creatures
Only joking, or am I, I don’t really know
But I do know no work’s been done here since 1810,
oh no, 1811, still, long time ago.

But one thing I can say, it’s deceptively spacious
Which means that it’s not but it feels like it’s spacious
Well ‘feels’ is the wrong word - it’s space misperceived
If you think that it’s spacious, you have been deceived

Moving on we can see that the fridge isn’t here,
It’s in the living room there, which you might think is queer,
And the washing machine isn’t where you thought it would be
It’s upstairs in the bathroom, there’s more room there, see?
It means you can still cook your dinner, while in the shower without losing sight of the TV.
It’s a great use of space I think you’ll agree
It’s what we call nineteenth century doss-house feng-shui

The area’s got potential
It’s very up and coming
There’s a Co-op and a Lidles and a Pound Shop or summin’
Got a Wetherspoons and a HomeBase
for some amateur plumming
Which might come in handy coz the kitchen is humming
There’s some wet rot and dry rot and wood rot and fungi
Mixed with mildew and tissue and random dead house-fly
But nothing a lick-o-paint could not well improve
Remind me, you’re not in a chain, you are ready to move, right?

And you have got a mortgage, coz if not we’ve got plenty
From the base rate to trackers we’ve got around twenty
Different types of fixed rate and loan guarantee
Ranging from flexible to interest only
Got ISA and Muslim and Offset and Pension
Our discounted variables are beyond comprehension
But I’ll talk you both through it
Coz that’s what important
Not the house or the garden
Just our monthly instalment
Of two per cent, three per cent, four per cent, more
Give you five times your earnings then knock on your door
When interest rates rise, and you’re fixed and cash poor
And you’re up to your eyes, and KO’d on the floor
But fear not, coz we’ll help, coz we’re that way inclined
We’ll decrease your mortgage, we’ll make it sub-primed
Then the market will plummet coz it needs a re-birth
You’ll be paying the bank more than the property’s worth
Then subsidence and sinkholes, you’ll fall into the earth

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Well I’ll leave you to walk around a bit on your own
I’ll be having a fag on the old mobile phone
Out by the entrance-portal-cum-postal-zone
Or ‘the front door’ as it’s otherwise known.
By the way, you have got a mortgage, right?



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