The Milky Bar Kid

I was on TV, I was posh and twee,
Full of Vitamin E, you might remember me
In my holster was a gun, I rode off into the sun
Little sheriff boy was I, I killed the baddies one by one
I had the self-esteem, between the ego and id
I was the golden boy
I was the Milky Bar kid

No, seriously I was, I was the chief, I was the boss,
I was the darling of the playground, the year eleven love-hound,
got my first roll in a hay-mound, was completely spellbound
with the fame and the glory and the 15 thou a day royalties
I had more than a few quid
I was the Milky Bar Kid

I had a mate who sold the Snickers
He couldn’t get in women’s knickers
They much preferred the city slickers, white-haired vicars with bumper stickers
Saying ‘White chocolate-eating men’s cock’s girths are thicker’
My advert blew the circuit on the National grid
I was the Milky Bar Kid

But then my voice it slowly cracked, and I grew somewhat in fact
My blonde hair it turned to black, and I didn’t get called back
To do my tenth voiceover track, my career had been jacked,
So I started taking crack, shagging prostitutes bareback,
From the streets of East Berlin to the bars of West Madrid
I was the Milky Bar Kid

So I said ‘alright fuck dat!’, and I done picked up my mat
And I took myself to Nestle, and I confronted those fat cats
I said, ‘I want my money back, bitch!’ but they said no to that,
And they had a big ol’ laugh at my expense and then they spat,
‘Hey didn’t you used to be about so high and with four eyes
‘Weren’t you strong and tough, unlike a white creampuff
‘Only the best was good enough, didn’t you used to sell our stuff?
‘Oh my god, heaven forbid
‘You’re Milky Bar Kid’

And so I said, ‘Damn fucking right, you got yourselves a fucking fight
‘I didn’t come all way to Nestle so you can sit around and test me
‘You see I done some research while I was smoking with my prostitutes
‘Apparently you broke an International Code on the Marketing of Breast Milk substitutes’
And they said, ‘Oh yeah, so what?
so we got a Worldwide boycott,
and we turned you on to pot,
and look at the money we all got,
we don’t care if babies die
in the womb or in the cot,
they can die of the starvation
or they can die of the bloodclot,
it matters not a jot, long as we got money in the pot,
coz we can feed a lot of kids with you as our mascot,
I don’t care who the fuck’s in earshot,
we kill little African babies and we shit in their mouths and we also prohibit abortions on the side – they said that, I actually heard them say that –
and we get our milk formula and put it in a teapot
and we give to the sot with a rope with a slipknot,
coz we’re a money grabbing robot,
a Third World raping sex-pot,
and if you thought that the upshot
of you coming in here would change ought,
think again Whitey.

Well that just gots me mad, and I rang up my old Pa,
He used to be Nicole’s Dad in the ads for Renault Car,
And I said, ‘Pa, we going to war, I want you to round up every kid
From the west, the east and mid
Who like me once played the role
Of the Milky Bar Kid
They’re probably on the dole
Or out of jail on some parole
Or still snorting crap-cut-coke on the Nestle payroll

Now I know that we aint talked Pa, for the past 24 years
But I swear that things will change from now, I’m fighting back the tears Pa
I love you, I love you Pa, I know I went to drugs
But we’re gonna take revenge, you see, on all those corporate slugs
(kiss teeth) No dad I aint still drinking, what, you think I’m drunk
It was Nestle who got me on the pills and booze and whores and skunk
It was them who fucked me up for life, it was them who turned me against you
I swear I see it clearly now, you gotta help me help you –

- Oh he hung up, but it’s fine, see coz I got myself a plan
Tomorrow you’ll read it in the paper
Ex-Nestle poster boy went to meet his maker
I’ll dress up in my cowboy suit and walk into my old school
I’ll hang myself in the gymnasium, it’ll look pretty fucking cool, man
All the kids will be there staring up, I’ll be famous once again
And everyone will mourn for me, my estranged pa, ex-friends
And in my top corner pocket, there for all to see
The new raisin and biscuit variety Milky Bar brought to you by Nestle.

I can hear them children now
‘Oh no he di’t’, ‘Oh yes he did’
He the Milky Bar Kid