The Earl Of Scandal

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!
I come here to talk to you…about me
I am 74th in line to the throne, last week I was number 103
In case you can’t do the maths, that’s quite a killing spree
All of them distant relatives and family
I’ve bumped them off one by one from the tree
From the Duke of Cuckfield to the Lord Salisbury
From my Great Great Auntie the Lady Cree
To her adopted, anointed French Chimpanzee
Killed them all, to a backdrop of fanfares and confetti
My Uncle twice removed, I removed his head, with a machete
Thought that was quite poetic and mildly funny
But I’m a bit bored now

I’m not a Marquess or a Viscount or a Baron
I’m not a Duke or a Lord or a scivvy girl named Sharon
I am the Earl Of Scandal – here’s my plume, here’s my talon
I invite you to my land, it’s west of Sin, north of Villian
Seven miles south of Slander, haven’t you been?
You’ll often find me there with a bottle of gin
Next to an orphan girl wiping come off her chin –
I’m only joking! …it was her twin.

Unlike most other Earls I’m a real man
Caught seven different types of syphilis from the States to Japan
Once got arrested for drinking out of a Jerry-Can
How was I to know absinthe-piss-cocktails were banned
Yes this Scandal, it follows me wherever I am
From the workhouse whores to the Chickboys of Siam
From the corridors of Whitehall to sex games with a candle
‘Scandal’ they cry, as I mosey on by
‘Scandal’ they scream, as I sit there and scheme
Of a far better world where I run the regime
Where women run naked and children blaspheme
In disused music halls falling down at the seams
Where my wife she is taken and fingered and reamed
In front of my cinematographe for the silver screen
For the discretionary viewer who’s tastes are extreme
And obscene in their theme
Be they sex or wet-dreams
With a man standing naked, but for a dollop of cream

Yes, I make those films that aren’t very popular
Not for the faint-hearted, not easy on the ocular
Don’t go in much for your mise-en-scene
Like to cut to the chase, if you know what I mean?
Porn! Let’s not mince words. Especially when there’s only one of them
Porn! It feels good in the mouth, when you say it like that
Feels good anywhere quite frankly, up the wall, on the matt
In a cupboard, in your attic, in a basement flat
If you’re thin and you’re rakish or you’re plump and fat
With your colleague or cousin or your own pet cat
Porn! Let’s not beat about the bush. Let’s get stuck in.
The thing about our women’s clothes, is that nobody knows, what lies therein
’Neath the hose and corsets and the crinoline
And the petticoats and bodices reeking of sin
As they push and they squeeze all that flesh and that skin
With nothing there holding it but a safety pin
With your bustles and bonnets and your crocheted mitts
Up your flaps and your cracks and your shaven armpits
Christ I’m getting hard just thinking about it!

With your boots and your gaiters and top hat with a veil
With your high necks and puff sleeves and coat with a tail
With your ankle length skirts and your matching jackets
I just want to turn you lot round and then smash it
With your tatted collars and pagoda sleeve
What turns me on is that you can barely breathe
I really go for that. Breathless young women in fingerless lace
The only skin showing your brow beaten face
A lifetime of being pure, decent and chaste
Apart from you
And you
With your wasp-waist cut skirt flaring just above the knee
As you flounce there and bounce there, oh how twee
Well here’s a footman, give him your corset and your hose
I’m not filming your body, love, I’m filming your clothes
Yes! You’ve guess it! I’m perverted! I go where the wild wind blows
I don’t want these, I want those
You want to know what turns me on, it’s right under your nose
You’ve been wearing them along, what did you suppose
Would elongate my garden hose? funny how it transposed
‘Scandal!’ they all moan, as I cut from their toes
To film their gloves on the floor, while they’re striking a pose
What’s going through my mind only God knows

For I am quintessentially eccentrically British
I don’t care for the women, it’s their clothes that I fetish!